Part 17: Chapter the Third: Second verse, same as the first.
Chapter the Third: Second verse, same as the first.August 5, 2014-August 31, 2014
I would kill for a real team crest, if anyone following this LP wants to submit one I'd be happy to add it to the game.
Our pitch is already only “OK” after eight games played on it. By midseason it'll be back to the worst possible level. We can't do anything about that until we build a new stadium, and that won't be feasible for years as we would need a whole boatload of cash and full stands at our current stadium. Come play at the Tackleford bog, footballers of England! Rupture your Achilles tendon and get a free ACL tear!
vs. FC Halifax Town, August 9, 2014
Skrill Premier
FC Halifax Town was my chosen team in last years iteration of “Spreadsheet Manager.” We rose from the lowest ranks of English football to become champions of Europe, and in real life they gained promotion this past year to the Skrill Premier, which is how they're our first opponent in the new league. So this game is sort of a homecoming for me. We are unable to play the type of possession soccer we had last year and a dull first half that see only two shots on goal between both teams combined. Halifax hits us on the break 10 minutes after the restart, but we rally for two goals of our own by converting on our chances in a way that we completely failed to in the preseason to take the three points. An acceptable start.
Tackleford City 2-1 FC Halifax
500 more season tickets than last year! Season tickets are a huge part of a lower league manager's warchest, they're pre-paid and thus give you a big lump sum of cash over the summer months with which to survive off of during the season. At about £210 per season ticket, that's close to a million and a half pounds added to the club accounts in the last couple months.
At Braintree, August 12, 2014
Skrill Premier
There's a lot of games this August, we'll have played five before we even get to the final week of the month. Braintree is our second, and the referee is yellow card happy. After 22 minutes we've been given three yellow cards, and I have to order the lads to stay on their feet to avoid the risk of a second yellow for one of our players. Despite being dominated early, we take the lead on a great move by Coulson to split the defenders and get one on one with the keeper. Then in the 45th minute Milner takes his second card and is sent off. We have our work cut out for us to hold the lead, and we manage to do so over the course of the second half, but three minutes into stoppage time O'Donnell is given a very soft yellow and also sent off. Still, when the final whistle goes two minutes later we take the three points.
Braintree 0-1 Tackleford City
vs. Nuneaton, August 16, 2014
Skrill Premier
Oh, hey, remember these guys from last year's FA Cup? This time around a Nuneaton player draws a straight red in the very first minute after going in with both feet studs up at Duchamps, and we have a man advantage for virtually the entire game. It takes us less than 3 minutes to capitalize on that advantage. After that it's never in doubt, Nuneaton didn't get a shot off until well into the second half when we were up by three. Nine points puts us a top the table as well.
Tackleford City 3-0 Nuneaton
One, I'm afraid to ask what a “Prediction Daddy” is. Two, I'm unable to understand why some French dude is covering a Skrill Premier game. Maybe he's a huge Orson Duchamps fanboy?
At Ebbsfleet, August 19, 2014
Skrill Premier
We saw these guys in last year's FA cup and didn't do as well as we should have. I don't play our strongest lineup, though, as we have a game against Wycombe coming up in a few days and I want to have everyone fully prepared for a match with the pre-season promotion favorites. So while we do improve on our previous outcome, after an evenly matched contest we still can't get a win from Ebbsfleet.
Ebbsfleet 0-0 Tackleford City
vs. Wycombe, August 23, 2014
Skrill Premier
Wycombe has had a tough start to their season, winning only one of their first four games. Ebbsfleet has had an even worse start, though, their only point comes from drawing with us. So clearly we're capable of playing down to our opposition, and Wycombe is due to turn it around. It's one-all at half time, but our old habit of fucking up at the end of games comes back to bite us in the 81st minute and we go down in flames.
Tackleford City 1-2 Wycombe
At Grimsby, August 30, 2014
Skrill Premier
Grimsby is currently lying in second place, and has scored 17 goals over the first five games of the season. We hold them scoreless until the 37th minute, when a bullshit call gives them a penalty and the lead. We can't manage anything offensively before the 53rd minute, when Coulson makes a trademark run on the counter-attack and beats the goalie from 25 meters out in the second half. Grimsby looks to score on a free kick just minutes later, but for once the striped shirts get it right and disallows the goal for offsides. We stay level until I make the mistake of subbing on Dave Fucking Stamp and he immediately gifts them a goal in the 84th minute, leaving me ready to tear my hair out on the sidelines. We get several more chances, including a repeated salvo that somehow keeps finding their prone keeper after a clear, ignored, penalty in the box by Grimsby in the 87th minute, and equalize on a blatantly offsides header by Coulson. The Lads escape with a draw, no thanks to horrible referees and despite a player who I only notice when he's costing us points.
Grimsby 2-2 Tackleford City
Footage of the so-called penalty: http://youtu.be/C7ryRNVN_vw?t=6s
This is the first video I've attempted with Football Manager, I guess in the future I'll go with 1080 definition instead of 720. Even with this 1960's era TV footage, though, it's pretty damned clear that was no penalty. It's a good thing we're not in a higher division right now and don't have pre and post game press conferences, I'm pretty sure I'd get fined by league officials for telling the ref that he shouldn't let the fact that I'm schtupping his mom affect his calls on the field.
Dave Fucking Stamp should bring something back on the transfer market, he's actually rated by the assistant as being one of our better players and is only 22. But even playing him in his natural position he's still regularly making me rue the day I signed him. I can't figure out what makes him bad, he's certainly not good in any area but given our division level he's average or better in just about every category. It's entirely possible that he's got very poor hidden statistics, but his personality is “Sporting” which only indicates that he plays fairly and doesn't dive/try to milk calls. Regardless, I'm done giving him chances. Hopefully someone wants him or I'll end up playing him again after thinking to myself "he's gotta play well sooner or later, right?"
Damnit, everyone else must already know that Stamp is hexed. This is what I get for signing players recommended by my psychic.
Our start this season is better than the last, but we've also dropped points already. Last season we won the league by the barest of margins, and I really would like to just take a stranglehold over the Skrill Premier this year and not repeat last season's late season “excitement.”
